It sucks.... you know?

So, I was meeting with a couple of my professors throughout the course of the day: papers to write, schooling to figure out, life in general, you know, the usual stuff... Through the course of conversation, one of them was asking me about my journey to where I was currently at, and I expressed a sense of fear about what came next. There are so many choices to consider, and it is overwhelming, even with another year at Grand View to look forward to.

Nonetheless, he pointed out a few things that really made me think, and it is still resonating within me. He said, paraphrased and with emphasis added, that it sucks that I don't have a God who loves me endlessly, that he has my future in his hands, and will provide for me. It's a real shame that I don't have somebody who has a plan for me already, and it's not up to me to make any decisions, it's too bad I don't have anybody looking out for me like that. If only I had something like that going for me.... you know?

So, if you didn't pick it up, he was poking fun at me for having such fear. In my lack of faith I make it my job to figure out my future. I have taken the responsibility for my life, when it isn't mine. Through my lack of faith, I am starting to lose my grip on what's going on within the confines of my life. Every once and a while I feel as if I'm losing myself... I claim to uphold a number of strong beliefs, but where are they? I mean, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't have sex, but I used to full heartedly believe in God, where has that gone? Not having that makes me feel as if I'm walking around merely a shell of a person. I have no substance, even going to church once every couple of weeks provided me with a means to connect with my God.

There is nothing that I can do to save myself, it is out of my control, but I'm not giving it up to God either. Through my studies at Grand View, I have been made aware of a lot of different ways that people have worked out their relationship with God, and it has been disheartening. There are so many different variants that fall under the same flag of Christianity, and it scares me. How can I perscribe to one means of living out faith, and not be weary that I have made the right choice? Is there a right way to live out faith? Is it even up to us to decide how to live out our faith? I mean there is a bible verse that alludes to the personal responsibility of doing so, which says that one is to work our their salvation with fear and trembling. However, there are so many connotations to that one verse... it scares me. Luther teaches that people can do nothing for their salvation, in fact we are no ready to receive the gift of grace until we are despairing in our walk with God (Thesis 18 of the Heidelberg Disputation).

So, that's were I stand right now. Looking out over a beautiful landscape from atop a sheer rock face. No way to get down without jumping. So many options and only one choice... JUMP!! If only somebody could be there to push me, or at least jump with me, but that's another story all together.

Thanks for whoever might have read this. Leave a comment if you want.... Please!

-Andy J. Graves