I want out.

I am quickly approaching my last year here at Grand View, and it feels like I am ready to be done. People are starting to figure out where they want to go, aligning themselves for the best possible futures, and I'm doing the same thing. However, at the same time I want to pull away from those people who are closest to me. I know it's not a good thing to do, especially for me, but at the same time who's going to be around after next year? Nobody, we're all graduating, except for a few, and then what? We're all off to wherever we go next, our next stop on life's journey. Some will stay here in Iowa, others jettison off to the ends of the world. Facebook being the only connection between us, there is no real need to stay in touch.

I do this every time things are about to come to an end. I want out of everything, I just want to run my time out and be left alone. I am tired, hungry, and scared. There are so many things to get figured out before next April, and I haven't started yet. Some of my friends know where they want to go and are working on making it happen. All I have is a list of possible places, and that's it. I don't know....

I guess I have nothing to really complain about, but there some things that are eating me up inside. However, I can't let them out. It's like those alien movies, where if you let the alien out then they will take over the world (mostly like Alien vs. Predator, where they can't allow the aliens to reach the surface). Nobody is around to kill it when it comes out, so it is best to keep it tucked away. Hopefully one of these days I can just swallow something that will kill it myself, so that my reliance on people is diminished. I rely on people, I feel, too much to help me. I used to be self-reliant because I had nobody, and I did just fine. Now that there are people around, I expect that they will help me, which is often times not true. I put too much faith in the people around me, I need to do stuff in-house. Even though that doesn't work either. It's really a lose-lose situation: I can't trust others, and I can't do things myself. What does that leave me with? Nothing.

Oh well, at least I'm not so depressed I'm thinking about suicide. I just want to escape physically, mentally, emotionally, or whatever will make me feel better about my life. I like my life, don't get me wrong, I just want to feel better. I want to drive a long ways away and just start over, or even just meander to a new town and make myself at home. It's like I am tired of this school, these rooms, these teachers, everything. I can't go home because I don't like it there either, too many memories/demons. The only choice I have is to progress, move forward, but the map is burnt beyond this point, so I don't know where to go. I've never been one to freelance such things, so I am in quite the predicament. I like to know, at least to some extent, what the next steps are so I don't get lost and make any huge mistakes. Hopefully soon something will come together and I won't feel so blah. Here's hoping for the best.

-Andy J. Graves