The Great Soothsayer... God!

The past 3 days has been a gentle slide into the dark part of my soul--the part where the anger and hostility reside. Yes, it's my fault that it happens, but sometimes you can't help but blame the people around you: co-workers, unknown drivers, organizations, TV show characters, and even God. Even though this week it was less God and more everything else!

However, as I was driving to escape the city that has opened the doors to the abyss, it occurred to me that I have let go of my power verse from the bible found in the book of Jeremiah, which goes something like this:

¹⁰ This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

 This bit of scripture has long been a piece of my posts, but something is different about it this time. I feel as if I may have been coming at life from the wrong direction--from the lazy one! You see, for the longest time I read this bit as saying, "Don't worry friend, I have a plan for you! I will reveal it in good time, just wait out this storm and things will look up in a minute." However, that's not how God has ever worked in my life; it's never been a sit idly by and things will work themselves out.

For the longest time, I have been meandering through life waiting for the moment when a giant light bulb would flash on and the meaning of life would be revealed to me. Hasn't happened yet. Yes, things have worked out; I have done some cool things; I have seen some cool things; I have met some cool people; but there were action steps involved with each and every piece of this journey. I have been really complacent in life, and went with the flow of things for at least a few years now--taking the path of least resistance, the safe way, the easy way out.

I could have done a second year in Milwaukee. The church wanted me to stay, but I ran away to something safe: home! However, when I got here I was still only working a part time job, then did AmeriCorps, which led to a Full Time job, but now I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be feeling. I kind of dislike my job, and it's not looking like it's going to get any better, but is this the plan for me to prosper? Do I just keep my head down, and trust that God will illuminate the right choices and path? Do I step out in faith and make some moves to have a little adventure in my life? I really don't know!

I hate being angry at work. I hate not feeling good about the work I get to do. I hate not knowing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. So, God if you are listening to my thoughts as I type this.. it's time to show up!

Hopefully in the very near future I will be able to look back and this time and say, "That's what was going on." However, until then, here I am sitting here wondering... What the fuck have I got myself into?!?

Here we go GOD!

-Andy J. Graves