Objective: Communicate better.
Learning Targets
- Open mouth
- Say words; mean them
- Speak truth
- Speak love
- Listen; Respond; Ask
- Wait
- Repeat
Like I said in the previous post, eventually these will be in their own blog. However, I have to come up with a good name for it so that it can be a worthwhile project. So, until then, they will get lost in the mess that is the G-Bull Blog. Oh well!
This installment comes to you from a place of reflection, regret, and anger. It isn't necessarily connected to the idea of being a pastor's husband, but it happened and I'm becoming a Pastor's husband, so I figured what better place to put this than here, right? I don't know. I just needed to write something and it's been on my mind since yesterday so I figured I would tie it all together in a nice little package for somebody to possibly read.
I ran away from home yesterday.
No, I didn't back my bag and disappear to the end of the drive way for 10 minutes.
No, I didn't become a homeless vagabond riding trains across the country.
No, I didn't stay gone forever.
My wife and I got into a verbal altercation and I left the house.
I grabbed my keys; I got into my car; I drove away.
I ran away from home; I ran away from the fight; I ran away from my wife.
This is what I do when things get tricky. I get mad, I yell, I curse, and I leave. Eventually I come back and things get smoothed over, but the question remains what is going on that such things can happen. Why does the smoothing out not relinquish the boiling under the surface? I don't know. It never feels like anything is ever settled; we play nice, apologize and seemingly move on, but everything is just on the surface. Where is the digging? Where is the need for resolution, real resolution? I don't think there is any--not yet anyway.
I realize that writing this out, before actually talking to my wife about this may seem backward to most people. [No, we haven't talked about anything yet.] However, it allows me to pull way the emotion, the raw feeling of the situation, and take a closer look at the meat of the issue. However, I also feel like there is a lesson to be learned here, which is where I really want to go and focus most of our time. The story will probably come out in the paragraphs that come, but I really want to focus on the lesson I am beginning to learn, and here it is: Communication is Key!
Today's lesson then, is brought to us by our friends at "Talking Works!"
To be honest, I don't really know what brought about the yelling yesterday. I was sitting on the love seat, and we were talking about getting stuff done, which has been an ongoing--albeit one-sided--conversation for a while now. Then, I got really mad, started yelling, and left the house. Granted, there was more to it than that, but this will do for now... You see, the issue I feel we are having is not having figured out how to live with each other yet; which means we haven't talked about anything in a meaningful way.
Had we sat down and really talked about what it means to be under the same roof, sharing responsibilities, taking care of each other than our selves, things could be different. There are always assumptions made about the other people: priorities, coping strategies, time lines, operations, systems. There is so much that goes into conducting a meaningful relationship that gets swept up into assumptions about what is important. This issue, then, is compounded toward difficult when facing a series of transitional phases: getting married, moving in together, working, getting a new job, packing, moving, garage sale preparations, family reunions, marriage invites, event invites, all the while still trying to build a life together.
There is no excuse. We just drop the ball on a regular basis.
I talk all the time without saying anything.
She doesn't talk that much, which is the same as not saying anything.
We sit on the couches recounting the days events: How was your day?
We eat dinner and talk about nonsensical things that got brought up in class today.
We go to bed without saying much of anything.
We reflect on the fact that we still don't have any more information about the next phase of life.
We do a lot of talking around things without really connecting in a meaningful level.
We talk around things, rather than about things.
Yesterday was no different. I was talking around a lot of things:
- I don't know what her priorities are
- I don't know how she copes with life
- I don't know what she expects of me
- I don't know...
I hate to tell you, but my wife is not like me and that's a good thing. However, I haven't taken the time to figure out just what that means. I know she's different, but how? why? where? when? There is a lot of pertinent information that's missing from my picture of her, which means we can't paint a picture of us--we can't be an us without everybody being adequately portrayed in the image.
Her spot is blank.
She isn't in the picture.
It's all me; all the time.
How can I fully support her in her vocational call of being a pastor if I can't talk to her, if I don't know what she needs from me now? We are transitioning into the ministry together, but we have to figure out life together first; we have to talk about things!
So, there is more to this than I am letting on, but for the time being this will have to suffice. We have to communicate with our partners, otherwise we'll never truly progress to the lives we are capable of having together. Yes, it's hard to know just what to say, but if you don't try you'll never become better. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Tip: Write things down!
One of the reasons I like writing things so much is because it allows for a free association of thought. The words flow from my brain, through my fingers, and onto the page (electronic or otherwise). When trying to communicate with others, I feel that it is easier to write things down, because there is less social pressure. You're not looking into their eyes, while you try to formulate your thoughts. However, once you get your thoughts down on paper, your task is only half complete. You still need to share them with the other person involved with the situation. How do you do this? Read it out loud! More often than now, your thoughts on paper will provide a foundation for conversation, and you'll have bought yourself some time to formulate new thoughts. It will provide the other with a means of hearing what was on your mind without allowing them to "jump down your throat" before getting your complete thought out.I know there is more I could say, but I always feel as if saying too much bogs down the process. I need to be more succinct, but that's another day. Hopefully if you made it this far you've found something worthwhile in my words. If not, sorry you wasted your time. I can't promise that I'm going to get better at this, but I'm going to try. That's all we can really do, and until we start really trying to change the way we do life; we can only blame ourselves for the way it turns out.
In today's fast paced world, we have lost the art of listening, as well. So, slow down and really take in what the other people are saying. Ask questions. Respond with your own thoughts. Always easier said than done, but again, it takes practice. We will not learn to be good communicators over night, but we'll never be anything if we don't try.
We need to learn to speak truth with love: love for ourselves; love for others; and love for the world! When we can do that, the world will truly become a better place!
No comments:
Post a Comment